The Bible in Brief - getting down to the basic story
 |
| Single white male seeks love, praise, obedience... |
And God was all knowing - He knew everything that would ever happen. Every little thing. And he knew exactly when, where, and how every little thing would happen. So awesome!
And God was all powerful - He could create anything he wanted. Anything at all. And he would decide exactly when, where, and how every little thing would work. Are you getting how awesome God is?
And God, was all ego - He desperately needed to be loved. And to be praised. And obeyed. But there was nobody to love, praise, and obey God. What to do?
Part 1 - God got an idea.He would whip up some creatures to love, praise, and obey him. But, first, God needed some working space so, Bang! He created the universe with galaxies, stars, and planets. He added comets, moons, and planets. And God created gravity, fusion, and light. Even the passing of time.
Next, God needed some living space so, Woosh! He created the earth with oceans, mountains, and vegetation. He added fish, birds, and mammals. And God created weather, photosynthesis, and reproduction. Even the migration of ducks. 
Part 2 - People disobeyed God.
God put the young and rather naïve couple in a beautiful garden and their lives were el perfecto. Then God spake: "Here's the deal: Don't use your free will to eat apples from that tree, or else. Bwahahaha!"
Note: In 1614 AD, there was an ill-timed movement to replace "Bwahahaha!" with the Hebrew version, "Mwahahaha!" However, in the brouhaha over heliocentrism, confused scribes left out both words.
Then, a talking snake persuaded Eve to persuade Adam to eat the forbidden fruit. Of course, God knew that would happen, but now, going forward, God would hold every man, woman, and child accountable for Adam & Eve's disobedience, hereafter known as the Original Sin. 
Yes, at the moment of their births, all future people would be guilty by association of the Original Sin and therefore deserving of God's grim and imaginative punishments, including (but not limited to) death, disease, famine, war, pestilence, genocide, infanticide, and slavery, none of which existed before Adam & Eve disobeyed God. But, you know, they had been given fair warning about that apple.
On a happier note, God offered some positive incentives. If people loved, praised, and obeyed him, and only him, they would be blessed with everlasting life. That was the deal.
Part 3 - People still disobeyed God.
As people multiplied and spread across the land, they made advancements in growing crops, raising animals, building cities, and inventing things. However, while exercising their free will, people thunk up all sorts of other gods. And the real god was getting pissed about that. Other things too, but especially that.
Part 4 - God got another idea.
He would wipe out all the people and start over. Maybe the next batch of people would follow directions better. So, sparing only Noah and his crew, God drowned every man, women, and child on the planet. They really should have listened.
Note: If you haven't heard this story before, and you're getting a bad impression of God, hang in there. I know he seems just a tad psychotic, but don't judge till you get to the best part.
After the flood, the handful of survivors set out to repopulate the entire earth. Naturally, they were still subject to the punishments for Adam and Eve's Original Sin. Well, it didn't take long for new generations to begin sinning and worshiping false gods. Maybe they just didn't understand what the real God wanted.
Part 5 - God spelled out the rules.
So, just to make everything perfectly clear, God issued Ten Holy Commandments and asked Moses to share them with everybody.
The first four commandments instructed people on how to love, praise, and obey God. Then there were five common-sense commandments about things like killing and lying. The tenth commandment was a dilly: Never even think about wanting something that belongs to someone else.
Despite these and many other dictates, people continued their bad habits. God was getting fed up. He destroyed a whole city full sinners. That didn't work and since even the flood had failed, further mass killing seemed futile. God needed a new idea. And he came up with a doozie.
Part 6 - God got his best idea ever.
God would send his son to renegotiate the deal. Jesus said his dad was willing to pardon some people for their sins, even the Original Sin. All God required was for Jesus to die (temporarily) and Presto! Everybody's sins would be forgiven.
Note: I bet you're asking yourself, Couldn't God have pardoned everyone with a snap of his fingers, or by clicking his heels together three times? 
On a happier note, God offered some positive incentives. If people loved, praised, and obeyed him, and only him, they would be blessed with everlasting life. That was the deal.
Part 3 - People still disobeyed God.
As people multiplied and spread across the land, they made advancements in growing crops, raising animals, building cities, and inventing things. However, while exercising their free will, people thunk up all sorts of other gods. And the real god was getting pissed about that. Other things too, but especially that.
Part 4 - God got another idea.
Note: If you haven't heard this story before, and you're getting a bad impression of God, hang in there. I know he seems just a tad psychotic, but don't judge till you get to the best part.
After the flood, the handful of survivors set out to repopulate the entire earth. Naturally, they were still subject to the punishments for Adam and Eve's Original Sin. Well, it didn't take long for new generations to begin sinning and worshiping false gods. Maybe they just didn't understand what the real God wanted.
Part 5 - God spelled out the rules.
So, just to make everything perfectly clear, God issued Ten Holy Commandments and asked Moses to share them with everybody.The first four commandments instructed people on how to love, praise, and obey God. Then there were five common-sense commandments about things like killing and lying. The tenth commandment was a dilly: Never even think about wanting something that belongs to someone else.
Despite these and many other dictates, people continued their bad habits. God was getting fed up. He destroyed a whole city full sinners. That didn't work and since even the flood had failed, further mass killing seemed futile. God needed a new idea. And he came up with a doozie.
Part 6 - God got his best idea ever.
God would send his son to renegotiate the deal. Jesus said his dad was willing to pardon some people for their sins, even the Original Sin. All God required was for Jesus to die (temporarily) and Presto! Everybody's sins would be forgiven.
Note: I bet you're asking yourself, Couldn't God have pardoned everyone with a snap of his fingers, or by clicking his heels together three times? Of course he could, but God went with gruesome crucifixion, a wise choice since people would really, really, really love God for having his son tortured on their behalf.
Jesus explained how people who accepted the deal would escape Hell (the horrible place where people suffer in torment and anguish for eternity) and go to Heaven (the happy place where people love, praise, and obey God forever). Who could refuse such an offer?
Note: Some folks say there's a bit more to salvation than that. They say only people who believe in the real God and that Jesus died for their sins will be saved. Others say people must be baptized in a certain sect to be saved. Still others claim God has already chosen his favorite people and that's that.
So you can imagine how thrilled - how positively thrilled - they are about God's work-around that gets them into Heaven after all. And they really, really, really love him for that. Whoopie!
What it all means -
Now you know why God made the universe with comets, moons, and planets. And why he invented gravity, fusion, light, and time. And why he created the earth with all the plants, animals and people and weather, photosynthesis. Even the migration of ducks.
It was all so God would have creatures who will love, praise, and obey him forever. God's plan is playing out just as he knew it would from the very beginning. Ta da!
Jesus explained how people who accepted the deal would escape Hell (the horrible place where people suffer in torment and anguish for eternity) and go to Heaven (the happy place where people love, praise, and obey God forever). Who could refuse such an offer?
 |
Note: Some folks say there's a bit more to salvation than that. They say only people who believe in the real God and that Jesus died for their sins will be saved. Others say people must be baptized in a certain sect to be saved. Still others claim God has already chosen his favorite people and that's that.
Anyway, after dying on the cross, Jesus came back to life and joined his father in Heaven where they monitor the thoughts of every human, everywhere, every second. Talk about all knowing! But that's not the end of the story. Someday Jesus will return to Earth, slaughter the non-believers, and usher his followers - Christians - into Heaven. Hooray!
The best part -
Today, Christians consider themselves wretched sinners, complicit in the Original Sin and guilty of breaking at least a few of the Ten Commandments, whether in thought or deed, and they figure eternal damnation is just what they deserve.
The best part -
Today, Christians consider themselves wretched sinners, complicit in the Original Sin and guilty of breaking at least a few of the Ten Commandments, whether in thought or deed, and they figure eternal damnation is just what they deserve.
So you can imagine how thrilled - how positively thrilled - they are about God's work-around that gets them into Heaven after all. And they really, really, really love him for that. Whoopie!
Now you know why God made the universe with comets, moons, and planets. And why he invented gravity, fusion, light, and time. And why he created the earth with all the plants, animals and people and weather, photosynthesis. Even the migration of ducks.
It was all so God would have creatures who will love, praise, and obey him forever. God's plan is playing out just as he knew it would from the very beginning. Ta da!
